“Tell the story of the mountain you climbed. Your words could become a page in someone else’s survival guide.”
I am Carrie from Sincerely Carrie Jean, and this is my story
In 2016 I was hit with some pretty big trauma. It turned my whole life around and left me full of uncertainty. I began questioning everything. I questioned everything about my past, my present, and subsequently my future. It was a really dark time for me and I didn’t handle it well. I did a lot of crying. Like deep, moan and groan scream crying. I would go outside and just scream until my ears hurt from hearing it. For 2 days it was hard to stand because the pain of the trauma saturated me so much that my legs couldn’t hold my weight. It was excruciating.
At first I didn’t know how to handle it. I wasn’t sure how to process my grief or pain. I simply wished it would eventually go away. It didn’t though and I started to struggle with suicidal thoughts. I never wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to end but I felt the only way it would is if life ended too.
It was then that I sought out specialized therapy. I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe anxiety and depression. I went often and really unleashed. I needed to be heard and validated and my therapist was great. He gave me great tools to manage my life and everything going on, but the process of having to face memories and try to shift the thought patterns I created was difficult. I had anxiety attacks almost daily. My brain was flooded with everything and would literally feel like a blender going off and I couldn’t control it. It was scary to be spiraling so much and not know when it would end. It was a really hard battle. I am so fortunate to have family nearby that supported me during all of it.
It has been a long road and not an easy one, but I am in a much better place now. I have learned tools like journaling, mindfulness, self-care and other incredibly helpful resources that have given me hope in change. I haven't had an anxiety attack in months and am no longer allowing triggers to determine my days.
For many, many years I kept everything bottled up, long before the trauma hit. I wouldn’t let myself cry about the pain and would steer thoughts away from it as fast as I could. So once I allowed myself to feel it, I broke and I broke hard. But I learned, I grew, and things are better than they ever were and will continue to get better. Shame is in secrecy. Pain is in loneliness. You do not have to overcome something to speak your truth or share your story. Our stories are forever ongoing. We are constantly shifting and experiencing things that make us evolve. But if you hold in your grief or heartache it will eat you up. Let it out. Release that energy and let others help you. I am in a better place because I did the one thing I was petrified to do. I told someone. I said I can’t do this alone. I fought for myself.
Am I healed? Hell no. Am I fixed? Definitely not. But I am stronger. I am healthier. I can be hopeful.
Don’t let your past define your future. Speak your story. Own it. Let it give you power rather than render you powerless.
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